The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
“What’s your name, mister?” she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
“It’s Snow — Roy Snow,” he answered, “and yours?”
“Me, I’m June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?” she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
“Oh, I was just thinkin’ what it might be like,” he drawled, “having eight inches of Snow in June?”
First-year students at a local Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow.They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,
'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.'
As an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now, learn to pay attention.'
Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten, what? Months? Weeks?"
The doctor replies, "Nine..."
Husband: “How big are your pizzas?”
CSO: “They are 10 inch pizzas, sir.”
Husband: “Well how big is 10 inches?
Wife: “You wouldn’t know anything about 10 inches, dear.”
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
A man runs over a rabbit, then sprays it with a can of hairspray.
The rabbit got up hopped three times, turned and waved at him.
Then it hopped three more times, turned and waved.
The man smiled at the can, which said, "Revives dead hairs, and gives it a permanent wave."
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large".
Al Gore has finally given up politics and taken up his true calling as a drummer in a band. He's really good. He's come up with some of the most mathematically precise rhythms known to man.
In fact, people have taken to calling them "Al Gore Rhythms".
I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home.
Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.
Optimist: Yes they can.
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"
An old lady was driving on Interstate 22.
A police car pulled her over and explained to her that she was going at 22 mph.
She said, ''I know, isn't that the speed limit?
The officer said, ''No, this is Interstate 22''.
The police officer looked in the back seat and there were three children looking quite ill.
He asked her if they need help and she explained, ''No, we just left interstate 119."